How Your Own Experiences Can Shape How You Respond to Your Child

Caring for a young child can bring big feelings—joy, worry, love, and stress can all show up at once. Sometimes, in those moments of feeling stressed, worried, or upset, how we react to our child can be shaped by things that happened to us long ago. This is completely normal—and it does not mean something is wrong with you or that you are a “bad” parent. By instead exploring why you might react that way, how you may want to respond differently, and what resources, support, and strategies might be helpful in supporting you towards a different response, you can offer yourself compassion and grace rather than self-blame and judgment—supporting your personal growth and caregiving journey in doing certain things differently. Understanding your own experiences is not about looking back with blame—it’s about moving forward with awareness, kindness, and choice.

Our Past Comes With Us

Every adult has a story. The way we were loved, cared for, taught, or corrected as children can affect how we parent today. For example:

• If you were told to “be quiet” when you cried, you might feel uncomfortable when your child cries, and may respond in a similar or different way that expresses your uncomfortability.
• If tough moments in your childhood were met with strong reactions, and you didn’t often see adults calm themselves or cope in healthy ways, it may feel harder for you to do those things today.
• If most of the feedback you received growing up came as correction during stressful moments, you may find that correcting your child happens automatically—especially when emotions are running high—while praise or encouragement can take more effort.
• If feelings were not talked about in your home growing up, you may notice that in emotional moments with your child, it feels hard to find the words—or you might quickly move past the feelings instead of talking about them.
• Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?”
• Wonder: “Does this remind me of something from my own childhood?”
• Try: “What does my child need from me in this moment?”
• If the situation does remind you of something from your childhood, consider asking yourself: “What did I need in that moment?”

These patterns can often happen without us noticing, even when you may have wanted and intended to do things differently. Our brains learn from past experiences, and certain things may be automatic reactions especially when emotions are high. When we feel stressed, our brains often fall back on what feels familiar. That’s why old patterns can show up quickly, even when we want to respond differently.

You may also have experienced certain things growing up that impact your parenting in a way you want to nurture and continue. For example, if you felt very supported during tough moments growing up, you may find it easier to stay calm and be emotionally supportive of your child during hard moments.

Why This Matters

When we recognize and better understand our own reactions, we can respond more mindfully. A child’s behavior—like a tantrum or refusal—can press emotional buttons that are often connected to our past, not just the present moment. When we feel stressed, our brains often fall back on what feels familiar. That’s why old patterns can show up quickly, even when we want to respond differently. However, once we notice these triggers and understand where they come from, it can become easier to pause, take a breath, and choose a thoughtful response instead of reacting automatically.

When caregivers practice pausing and responding with care, children learn how to do the same over time. Your calm support helps build your child’s ability to handle big feelings.

Gentle Ways to Reflect

Taking small moments to pause, notice, and reflect can help.

There are no right or wrong answers. Curiosity is enough.

Growing Together

Remember that caregiving is a learning process. When you show yourself kindness and compassion, it becomes easier to show it to your child. You are not expected to be perfect. Being aware, reflective, loving, and willing to grow is what matters most.

The good news is that these skills can be learned at any age. With practice, support, and patience, new ways of responding can slowly become more natural. In tough moments, it can help to remind yourself: “I’m learning, and I’m doing the best I can right now.”

Your past is part of you—but it does not control you. Each day is a new chance to respond with care and understanding, for both yourself and your child.

Try Using Our Reflection Guide

Caregivers who want to explore these ideas further can download and use our Reflection Guide. It includes tools to help you notice how your past experiences connect to your reactions, pause and choose supportive responses, and recognize the strengths you want to pass forward to your child.

Providers who work with families and caregivers can also use the guide as a supportive resource with the caregivers they serve. It can help spark reflection, conversation, and growth in a non-judgmental, strengths-based way.