Conflict is a normal part of life that happens when people have different ideas, wants, or feelings. For young children, conflict might look like arguing over a toy, not agreeing on a game, or feeling hurt by a friend’s words.
It’s important to remember that conflict itself is not bad. In fact, it can be a chance to learn. What matters most is how we handle it. Conflict can be a conversation, not a battle.
Many children see unhealthy conflict around them—people yelling, blaming, name-calling or using put-downs, dismissing or not listening to someone else’s perspective, or trying to “win.” And as adults, we may still be working on this too. Maybe we avoid conflict because it feels uncomfortable, or maybe we jump in too quickly and let our emotions take the driver’s seat.
That’s okay. We don’t have to be perfect, and we can choose to learn and grow alongside children. In being real and honest with them that it can be tough, we can also aim to ensure they know the importance of engaging in conflict in a healthy way and can see and learn how it can be done.
When children learn healthy ways to handle conflict, they can:
Avoiding conflict all the time is not the answer. Sometimes children need to speak up—such as when something feels unfair, hurtful, or important to them.
Healthy conflict is:
Unhealthy conflict is:
When we are calm, this can help children become calmer, too. If we react strongly, the conflict can grow.
Examples of things you can say are:
It's important to help children learn and understand that while all feelings are okay, not all actions are.
Some examples of ways you can explain and reiterate this are by saying:
Young children often don’t yet have the words to explain how they feel.
Some examples of ways you could help them share how they feel are:
Help guide them in learning and putting into practice that listening is just as important as speaking.
During or following moments of conflict, some examples of ways you can encourage listening are:
Some questions you could consider asking are:
It can be tempting to fix things quickly, but remember that children learn more when they are part of the solution.
Examples of supportive words you could say are:
It’s important to let children know that their voice matters.
Some examples of things you can say to help them know this are:
Simple Steps to Help Guide Children Through Conflict
Consider using these steps to help guide young children through conflict:
These steps are helpful during a conflict, but you can also use them after conflict to help guide reflection. Afterward, you can talk with children about what happened, what worked well, and what they might try next time. This is also a good time to help them name their feelings and think about how the other person may have felt.
To help children learn, practice, and use these steps, we’ve created a Conflict Steps Visual. This visual can be used during conflicts or afterward as a reminder of how to handle disagreements in a healthy way.
Remember that young children:
Every child is different. Some children may need more support than others based on their temperament, communication or language differences and challenges, and developmental differences (including neurodivergence). Children are also shaped by what they have seen and learned about conflict in their homes and communities. Taking time to understand each child can help you respond in ways that meet their needs.
You don’t have to be perfect at handling conflict to teach it. Children learn by watching us. When we stay curious instead of judging, admit our mistakes (like saying, “I got frustrated. I’m sorry”), and try again, we show them what healthy conflict can look like. Conflict is not something to fear or avoid completely—it is something we can learn from. When we guide children to handle conflict with care, respect, and openness, we are helping them build skills they will keep using and take with them as they grow.