Helping Kids Handle Conflict in Healthy Ways

Conflict is a normal part of life that happens when people have different ideas, wants, or feelings. For young children, conflict might look like arguing over a toy, not agreeing on a game, or feeling hurt by a friend’s words.

It’s important to remember that conflict itself is not bad. In fact, it can be a chance to learn. What matters most is how we handle it. Conflict can be a conversation, not a battle.

Many children see unhealthy conflict around them—people yelling, blaming, name-calling or using put-downs, dismissing or not listening to someone else’s perspective, or trying to “win.” And as adults, we may still be working on this too. Maybe we avoid conflict because it feels uncomfortable, or maybe we jump in too quickly and let our emotions take the driver’s seat.

That’s okay. We don’t have to be perfect, and we can choose to learn and grow alongside children. In being real and honest with them that it can be tough, we can also aim to ensure they know the importance of engaging in conflict in a healthy way and can see and learn how it can be done.

Why Healthy Conflict Matters

When children learn healthy ways to handle conflict, they can:

• Speak up for themselves
• Listen to others
• Solve problems together
• Build stronger relationships

Avoiding conflict all the time is not the answer. Sometimes children need to speak up—such as when something feels unfair, hurtful, or important to them.

What Healthy Conflict Looks Like

Healthy conflict is:

• Calm (or getting calmer)
• Respectful
• Focused on solving a problem
• Open to hearing both sides

Unhealthy conflict is:

• Yelling, hitting, or name-calling
• Trying to “win” or get even
• Ignoring or shutting down
• Not listening at all

How Adults Can Support Children

Stay Calm and Be a Guide

When we are calm, this can help children become calmer, too. If we react strongly, the conflict can grow.

Examples of things you can say are:

• “I’m here to help. Let’s slow down.”
• “We can figure this out together.”

Teach That Feelings Are Okay and Actions Matter

It's important to help children learn and understand that while all feelings are okay, not all actions are.

Some examples of ways you can explain and reiterate this are by saying:

• “It’s okay to feel mad, but it’s not okay to hit.”
• “You’re upset, and that’s okay. I’m here for you. But let’s find a safer way to show that.”

Help Children Use Their Words

Young children often don’t yet have the words to explain how they feel.

Some examples of ways you could help them share how they feel are:

• Provide them with sentence starters, and model using them yourself (“I feel ___ when ____”)
• Have visual feelings charts or feelings thermometer that children can refer/point to when they’re unsure how to put their feelings into words
• Talk about feelings during everyday calm moments to help normalize talking about emotions and help improve their feelings vocabulary, including emotions of characters in stories and reading children’s books together than focus on feelings
  

Help guide them in learning and putting into practice that listening is just as important as speaking.

During or following moments of conflict, some examples of ways you can encourage listening are:

• “Let’s hear your friend’s idea.”
• “Can you tell me what you heard them say?”
• “Did they let you know how they’re feeling and why they’re feeling that way? Have you ever felt that way?”

Focus on Solutions, Not Winning
Help children move from “Who’s right?” to “What can we do?”

Some questions you could consider asking are:

• “What could help both of you?”
• “What’s a fair solution?”

Support, Don’t Solve Everything

It can be tempting to fix things quickly, but remember that children learn more when they are part of the solution.

Examples of supportive words you could say are:

• “I can stay with you while you figure it out.”
• “You both have ideas. Let’s find one that works.”

Teach That It’s Okay to Speak Up

It’s important to let children know that their voice matters.

Some examples of things you can say to help them know this are:

• “It’s okay to tell someone how you feel.”
• “Your words/feelings/ideas are important.”

Simple Steps to Help Guide Children Through Conflict

Consider using these steps to help guide young children through conflict:

• Pause and regulate
  • Ex: “Let’s take a breath and help our bodies calm down a bit before we figure this out.”
• Name the problem
  • Ex: “It seems you both want to play with the same toy.”
• Hear both sides
  • Ex: “Let’s take turns talking. You can go first—tell me what happened.” (Help children name their feelings if needed)
• Think of Solutions
  
  • Ex: “Let's think of some ideas. What can we do?”
  • You may need to help, but first see what children suggest (e.g., taking turns, playing together, using a timer)
• Choose one and try it
  • Ex: “Those are great ideas. Which one should we try?”
    

These steps are helpful during a conflict, but you can also use them after conflict to help guide reflection. Afterward, you can talk with children about what happened, what worked well, and what they might try next time. This is also a good time to help them name their feelings and think about how the other person may have felt.

To help children learn, practice, and use these steps, we’ve created a Conflict Steps Visual. This visual can be used during conflicts or afterward as a reminder of how to handle disagreements in a healthy way.

Keep Development and Individual Differences in Mind

Remember that young children:

• Are still learning self-control
• May need help finding words
• Might benefit from visual supports (like feelings charts or conflict steps)
• Learn through practice, not perfection

Every child is different. Some children may need more support than others based on their temperament, communication or language differences and challenges, and developmental differences (including neurodivergence). Children are also shaped by what they have seen and learned about conflict in their homes and communities. Taking time to understand each child can help you respond in ways that meet their needs.

A Final Thought

You don’t have to be perfect at handling conflict to teach it. Children learn by watching us. When we stay curious instead of judging, admit our mistakes (like saying, “I got frustrated. I’m sorry”), and try again, we show them what healthy conflict can look like. Conflict is not something to fear or avoid completely—it is something we can learn from. When we guide children to handle conflict with care, respect, and openness, we are helping them build skills they will keep using and take with them as they grow.