As a new school year begins, many caregivers wonder: Will my child make friends? Will they speak up in class? Will they try new things? Will they be able to handle the hard stuff?
Because our ideas about confidence are often shaped by what we were taught growing up, many of us may picture a “confident” child as one who walks into a new room with a big smile, joins a group right away, raises their hand, and is not afraid to make mistakes.
But what if confidence can look very different?
Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside, offers a helpful way to rethink what confidence means. Confidence is not about always feeling sure, happy, brave, or successful. Instead, it can grow from learning to trust yourself—trusting what you are feeling, noticing what feels comfortable or uncomfortable, and knowing when you are ready to take the next step, even when you feel nervous, disappointed, frustrated, or unsure (Kennedy, 2022).
For young children, this kind of confidence is not about avoiding hard feelings or always knowing what to do. It is about developing an inner sense of, “I can listen to myself, I can handle what I feel, and I can take the next step when I’m ready.”
Imagine your child walks into a new classroom and stays close to you. Maybe they watch the other children for a few minutes before joining in.
You might think, I wish they would just go play.
You may even feel worried. What if they never make friends? What if the teacher thinks they are too shy?
But hesitation is not always a problem that needs to be fixed. Kennedy (2022) points out that a child's hesitation can create more worry in the caregiver than in the child.
Sometimes confidence looks like watching first. Sometimes it looks like taking time to feel safe. Sometimes it means saying, “I don't want to yet,” and knowing that you can join when you are ready.
Instead of saying, “Don't be shy,” try saying:
This does not mean children should never be encouraged to try. It means we can encourage them without sending the message that something is wrong with them when they hesitate. The goal is not to make children feel differently than they do. It is to help them trust themselves as they move through new and unfamiliar experiences (Kennedy, 2022).
A child's behavior can bring up big feelings in us, and it’s important to notice those feelings and consider how they might influence the way we respond.
For example, if your child hangs back at school drop-off, ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? Are you worried? Embarrassed? Impatient? Afraid your child will miss out?
Then, ask a deeper question: Where might this feeling come from?
Maybe you grew up believing that being outgoing was a sign of success. Maybe quiet children were called “shy,” while children who spoke up were praised. Maybe mistakes were not welcome in your home. Maybe you learned that being “successful,” independent, or tough was especially important.
There is nothing wrong with noticing these influences. They are part of your story, and they may have been shaped by what your own caregivers were taught and experienced. But in better understanding yourself and what you experienced, you have the opportunity to try to do things differently.
As school starts, try to notice the difference between your discomfort and your child's actual need. Your child may need support, but they may not need you to make the uncomfortable feeling disappear. Kennedy (2022) encourages caregivers to look at their own reactions when a child is hesitant rather than making the child's behavior the problem.
You might even ask yourself:
What did my family teach me about confidence?
What feelings were welcomed when I was growing up?
Which feelings were brushed aside, punished, or shamed?
What did I get praised for? What did I feel I had to do to be “good”?
These questions are not about deciding how you should feel about your own childhood or caregivers. They are about bringing awareness to what you experienced and learned, so you can have more choice in what you carry into your own parenting.
School brings plenty of chances to feel frustrated. A child may struggle to write their name, lose a game, get an answer wrong, have trouble with a new skill, or feel left out at recess.
Their first response might be, “I can't do it!”
Our instinct can be to jump in. “We'll do it for you.” “It's easy!” “Don't worry. You got it!”
Sometimes children do need help. But they also need chances to discover that they can handle hard things. That discovery builds confidence.
Kennedy (2022) connects confidence with frustration tolerance. Children need opportunities to experience frustration while having a supportive adult nearby. When we rush to fix every hard moment, children may miss the chance to learn that they can cope with struggle.
Try staying close without taking over. You might say:
The goal is not to make frustration disappear. It is to help your child learn that frustration is something they can move through.
You can also model this yourself. When you make a mistake, let your child hear you say, “Oops. That didn't work. I'll try again.” Children learn confidence by watching us handle our own struggles, too.
While it’s great to celebrate your child's wins, confidence grows from more than hearing things like, “You're so smart!” or “You're so good at it!”
Try helping your child notice what happened inside the success.
For example, if your child builds a tall block tower, you could ask: “How did you think to build it that way?”
If they finish a hard puzzle, you could say, “You kept trying even when it was tricky.”
If they make a new friend, you might ask, “What helped you feel ready to talk to them?”
Questions like these help children notice their own ideas, choices, effort, and feelings. Kennedy (2022) suggests that focusing on a child's process, ideas, and effort can help them build a deeper kind of confidence than praise based only on the outcome.
Over time, they begin to build an inner voice that says, I know myself. I can learn. I can handle hard feelings along the way. I can try again. That is confidence that does not depend on always winning or getting things right the first time.
As the new school year begins, consider reminding yourself to think less about whether your child looks confident and more about how they are learning to trust themselves, handle hard moments, and move through new experiences with your support.
Instead of asking, “Will my child be confident?” try asking:
Will my child know they can trust themselves?
Will they know they can have big feelings and still be okay?
Will they know mistakes do not make them a failure?
Will they know I’ll be there for them when things are hard, even as they learn to handle things on their own?
And perhaps most important, ask yourself:
What am I hoping my child will learn, and why?
Maybe there are qualities you hope to nurture that we often connect with confidence—courage, independence, curiosity, or persistence. But perhaps there are other qualities you want to teach and pass down, too: emotional awareness, self-compassion, individuality, and self-trust. These qualities may not always be part of how we have traditionally talked about confidence, but they can help children develop a deeper sense of confidence in themselves.
Remember that confidence does not require a child to act a certain way all the time.
A child who needs time to feel comfortable can be confident.
A child who listens, takes their time, and speaks when they are ready can be confident.
A child who feels nervous can be confident.
A child who feels frustrated can be confident.
A child who needs help can be confident.
As the school year begins, we don't have to teach our children to be fearless. We can help them learn that they can trust themselves, make room for their feelings, work through hard things, and know they don't have to do it all alone.
Resources for You and Your Child
As the new school year begins, it can help to have simple visual reminders of what confidence can look like—for both you and your child.
For caregivers: Download this Redefining Confidence poster as a visual reminder to take your time, feel your feelings, ask for help, and trust yourself, too.
For children: Download this Confidence poster as a visual reminder that confidence can mean taking your time, feeling your feelings, asking for help, trying again, and trusting yourself.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good inside: A guide to becoming the parent you want to be. Harper Wave, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers.