Helping Children Build Healthy Friendships: Connection, Conflict, and Belonging

As children settle into the school year, friendships become an important part of their daily experience. Children begin to form connections, choose play partners, and learn what it means to be part of a group.

For some children, friendships develop easily. Others may need more support learning how to join a game, start a conversation, handle a disagreement, or understand another child's point of view.

Healthy friendships do not have to look the same for every child. Some children enjoy having one close friend, while others enjoy playing with many children. Some children prefer independent play. The goal is not to make every child interact in the same way. The goal is to help children build positive connections while respecting their individual needs and personalities.

What Healthy Friendship Looks Like

Young children are still learning what friendship means. They may believe that a friend is simply someone they like to play with, while older children may begin to understand trust, shared interests, fairness, and loyalty. Providers can model these skills during everyday activities rather than treating friendship as a separate lesson. Healthy friendships can help children learn how to:

• Take turns and share ideas
• Listen to others
• Ask to join a game
• Express their feelings
• Respect personal space and boundaries
• Solve disagreements
• Celebrate another child's success
• Give and receive help
• Recognize when someone needs space

How Friendships Change With Age

Friendships develop as children grow. Younger children often form friendships based on being near each other or enjoying the same activity. As children get older, friendships may become more focused on shared interests, trust, and spending time together.

A child who changes play partners often is not necessarily struggling socially. Children may move in and out of different play groups throughout the day.

Providers can support healthy development by giving children opportunities to interact with different peers while also respecting established friendships.

It is important to remember that friendship is not a competition. Children do not need a large group of friends to have meaningful relationships.

Teach Children How to Join a Group

Joining a group can be difficult for young children. Some children may want to participate but do not know what to say or how to enter the play. Providers can teach simple ways to join:

• “Can I play too?”
• “What are you building?”
• “Can I be the doctor?”
• “Can I help?”
• “Can we build this together?”

For example, instead of telling a child, “Go play with them,” a provider might say, “They are building a zoo. You could ask if they need another animal.” Small prompts can give children the confidence to enter play without taking over the interaction.

Help Children Handle Disagreements

Disagreements are a normal part of friendships. Children are learning how to express what they want, listen to others, and find solutions. When a disagreement happens, providers do not always need to solve the problem immediately. Try helping children:

• Explain what happened
• Listen to each child's point of view
• Name the problem
• Think of possible solutions
• Choose a solution together
• Try again

A provider might say, “You both want the same truck. What could we do so everyone gets a turn?” The goal is not always to make the children agree. The goal is to help them learn how to work through the disagreement respectfully.

Know When to Step In

Children need opportunities to practice solving problems, but providers also need to recognize when adult support is necessary. Step in when:

• A child is being hurt or threatened
• A child is unable to communicate what they need
• The same child is repeatedly being excluded
• A disagreement continues to escalate
• A child appears overwhelmed or unsafe
• There is a significant power difference between children

When the situation is safe, providers can pause and observe before stepping in. Sometimes children are able to solve a small disagreement on their own. The goal is not to prevent every conflict. Children need safe opportunities to practice communication, problem-solving, and repair.

Teach Children About Boundaries

Healthy friendships include boundaries. Children need to learn that they can say no and that other people can say no to them. Providers can model simple language such as:

• “Please stop.”
• “No, thank you.”
• “I don't like that.”
• “I need some space.”
• “Can I have a turn when you're finished?”
• “Do you want to play with me?”
• “It's okay if you don't want to.”

Children also need to understand that friendship does not mean they have to say yes to everything. Respecting boundaries helps children understand that being a good friend includes listening to what another person needs.

Support Children Who Prefer One Friend or Independent Play

Not every child wants to be part of a large group. Some children may prefer:

• One close friend
• Quiet activities
• Independent play
• Watching before joining
• Parallel play
• Short periods of social interaction

These preferences are not automatically a concern. Providers should look at the whole child. Is the child comfortable? Do they have opportunities to connect when they want to? Can they communicate their needs? Are they being included and respected? The goal is not to make every child more social. The goal is to make sure every child has meaningful opportunities for connection.

Create Opportunities for Positive Connections

Friendships are more likely to develop when children have repeated opportunities to interact around shared interests. Providers can:

• Offer small-group activities
• Pair children around common interests
• Use cooperative games
• Create partner activities
• Encourage children to work toward a shared goal
• Rotate opportunities for children to work with different peers
• Provide time for child-led play

For example, two children who both enjoy animals could work together to create a zoo. Two children who enjoy building could work together to create a bridge. Shared activities give children something to talk about and do together.

Neurodiversity Considerations

Neurodivergent children may communicate, play, interact, or build relationships in ways that look different from their peers. Friendship may not always involve frequent talking, eye contact, pretend play, or group participation. Providers should avoid assuming that one type of social interaction is the only healthy way to build a friendship. Providers can support neurodivergent children by:

• Respecting different communication styles
• Offering visual or communication supports
• Providing predictable routines
• Considering sensory needs
• Connecting children through shared interests
• Allowing different ways to participate in group activities
• Giving children time to observe before joining
• Avoiding pressure to hide natural ways of communicating or interacting

Research on friendship supports for children with neurodevelopmental needs suggests that interventions can help, but approaches are most useful when they involve the classroom environment, peers, and the individual child's needs rather than expecting the child to change alone. The goal is belonging, not sameness. A child should not have to act like everyone else in order to have meaningful friendships.

What Research Says

Research shows that peer relationships and friendships are an important part of children's school experiences. Studies have found connections between positive peer experiences, friendship involvement, and children's classroom engagement during the early school years..

Research also shows that children's experiences with peers can be different from one child to another. Some children may have difficulty forming or maintaining peer relationships, which means providers may need to look at each child's individual strengths, communication skills, and social experiences rather than using a one-size-fits-all approach.

Studies of inclusive classrooms also show that friendships can develop across differences in ability and that opportunities to participate in shared activities can support meaningful peer relationships.

Research on preschool classrooms suggests that teachers can support peer relationships by creating opportunities for children to interact, observing children's social experiences, and providing support when needed rather than directing every interaction.

Summary

Friendships are an important part of children's early learning experiences. They give children opportunities to practice communication, cooperation, problem-solving, boundaries, and empathy.

Providers can support healthy friendships by creating opportunities for connection, teaching children how to enter play, helping them work through disagreements, and knowing when adult support is needed. Just as importantly, providers can recognize that friendship does not look the same for every child.

Some children may have several friends, while others may prefer one close relationship or independent play. Neurodivergent children may also have different ways of communicating and connecting. When providers focus on connection rather than conformity, children can learn that there is more than one way to be a good friend and an important member of the classroom community.

Five Key Takeaways

1. Healthy friendships can look different from child to child and do not require a large group of friends.
2. Children can be taught practical skills for joining play, communicating, respecting boundaries, and handling disagreements.
3. Conflict is a normal part of learning and can provide opportunities to practice problem-solving and relationship repair.
4. Providers should step in when children are unsafe while also allowing children appropriate opportunities to solve small problems independently.
5. Inclusive friendship support respects different communication styles, interests, personalities, and ways of connecting.

Summary

Friendships are an important part of children's early learning experiences. They give children opportunities to practice communication, cooperation, problem-solving, boundaries, and empathy.

Providers can support healthy friendships by creating opportunities for connection, teaching children how to enter play, helping them work through disagreements, and knowing when adult support is needed. Just as importantly, providers can recognize that friendship does not look the same for every child.

Some children may have several friends, while others may prefer one close relationship or independent play. Neurodivergent children may also have different ways of communicating and connecting.

When providers focus on connection rather than conformity, children can learn that there is more than one way to be a good friend and an important member of the classroom community.

Frequently Asked Questions

How many friends should a child have?

There is no specific number of friends a child needs. Focus on whether the child has meaningful opportunities for connection and feels comfortable participating in the classroom community.

Should I make a child play with other children?

Children should have opportunities to interact with peers, but forcing social interaction can create stress. Offer invitations, shared activities, and support while respecting a child's need for space or independent play.

What should I do when two children argue?

If everyone is safe, give children a chance to explain what happened and think about possible solutions. Step in when the conflict becomes unsafe, overwhelming, or too difficult for the children to manage.

What if a child always wants to play with the same friend?

A close friendship can be a positive thing. Continue providing opportunities to interact with other children without taking away the child's preferred friendship.

How can I support a child who has trouble joining play?

Teach simple phrases such as “Can I play?” or “What are you doing?” You can also help connect the child to peers who share their interests and model how to enter an activity.

How should I support a neurodivergent child's friendships?

Focus on the child's strengths, interests, communication style, and comfort. Provide supports that make peer interaction more accessible without expecting the child to hide natural ways of communicating or interacting.

Key Terms

Healthy Friendship refers to a positive relationship where children can connect, communicate, play, and feel respected.

Peer Relationship is the relationship a child develops with other children of a similar age or social group.

Boundaries are limits that help children communicate what feels comfortable, safe, or acceptable to them.

Sense of Belonging refers to feeling accepted, valued, respected, and included within a community.

References (APA 7)

Chen, J., Jiang, H., Justice, L. M., Lin, T.-J., Purtell, K. M., & Ansari, A. (2022). One size doesn't fit all: Profiles of isolated children in early childhood. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 80, 101397. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2022.101397

Cordier, R., Parsons, L., Wilkes-Gillan, S., Cook, M., McCloskey-Martinez, M., Graham, P., & others. (2023). Friendship interventions for children with neurodevelopmental needs: A systematic review and meta-analysis. PLOS ONE, 18(12), e0295917. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0295917

Dalli, C., Strycharz-Banas, A., & Meyerhoff, M. (2020). Negotiating wellbeing and belonging in an early childhood centre: What children's conflicts can teach us. Early Childhood Folio, 24(1), 3–8.

Kali, A., & Scheiner, E. Y. (2024). Mixed friendships in the classroom: Perspectives of neurotypical children on their friends with ASD. Focus on Autism and Other Developmental Disabilities, 39(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/108835762312217

Salvas, M.-C., Archambault, I., Olivier, E., Vitaro, F., Cantin, S., Guimond, F.-A., & Robert-Mazaye, C. (2022). Interplay between peer experiences and classroom behavioral engagement throughout early childhood: Intraindividual and interindividual differences. Journal of School Psychology, 93, 138–153. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsp.2022.06.004

Tejada, J. N., Li, L., & Hammer, M. (2024). Children's classroom experiences in building peer relationships. Early Childhood Education Journal, 52, 991–1000. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10643-023-01484-w