Parenting With Understanding: Supporting Your Child Without Blaming Yourself

If Parenting Feels Hard, That Makes Perfect Sense 

Many mothers love their children deeply and still find parenting emotionally exhausting. 
If that has been your experience, it is important to know this: 

Parenting feels hard because it is hard; especially when you were never taught how to manage emotions growing up. 

Parenting with understanding is not about being calm all the time or having perfect reactions. It is about learning how to respond to your child with awareness and compassion while also being kind to yourself in the process. 

What Your Child’s Behavior Is Really Telling You 

Children ages 0–8 are still developing the part of the brain that helps them: 

• regulate emotions 
• calm themselves down
• communicate clearly
• manage frustration

So, when your child cries, has a tantrum, clings to you, or does not listen, they are not being “bad.” They are communicating a need they do not yet know how to express. 

That is why it is important to first tune into yourself - to notice and regulate your own emotions before supporting your child in regulating theirs. 

Our children's big emotions are not manipulation; they are messages; even when, in the moment, they may feel manipulative to the person receiving them. 

Why Some Moments Feel So Triggering 

For many mothers, certain behaviors feel especially overwhelming. Often, this has less to do with the child and more to do with what the mother experienced growing up. 

If emotions were ignored, punished, or misunderstood in your childhood, your child’s big feelings may activate stress, frustration, or even guilt in your body before you consciously realize it. 

This reaction does not mean you are failing. It means your nervous system learned how to survive without support, and it is responding from that place. 

What “Parenting with Understanding” Really Means 

Many parents ask me what parenting with understanding really means, especially when they feel they were not raised with “all this gentleness” and believe they turned out just “fine.” 

I always begin by validating that experience, because for many of us, it’s true. We grew up in environments that were chaotic, emotionally unsafe, or even traumatic. We may not have received the attention, protection, or emotional care we needed; and still, we survived. 

But I gently invite parents to reflect on these questions: 

• How was I impacted by not having my emotional needs met as a child? 

• How can I now provide my child with the emotional safety I may not have had? 

These reflections allow you to connect with your own childhood experience and, in turn, connect more deeply with your child’s experience. They also help you extend understanding and compassion toward yourself, especially when parenting feels challenging or triggering. 

Parenting with understanding really means: 

• noticing your reactions without judging yourself 

• reminding yourself that your child is not your past 

• choosing connection over shame 

• repairing when things don’t go as planned  

You see, it is not about never raising your voice. It is about coming back with love and showing your child that relationships can recover. 

A simple repair might sound like: 

“I’m sorry I got upset. I love you. Let’s try again.” 

That moment teaches your child emotional safety and teaches you self-compassion. 

Three Gentle Practices You Can Try Today 

Always remember that you do not need a long plan or perfect words to support your child through big emotions. Often time, it is just the small, consistent moments that create the greatest sense of safety. 

Here are three simple practices you can begin using right away: 

1. Name what you see

Instead of rushing to stop the behavior, try gently naming what’s happening in real time. 

You might say: 

• “That was a big feeling.” 
• “Your body looks really upset right now.” 

When you name what you see, you help your child feel noticed and understood. 
This also helps them begin to connect their feelings to their body and nervous system. 

And mom; this does not mean you are agreeing with the behavior. I know it can feel that way at times. What it really means is that you are recognizing the emotion behind what you are seeing. 

For many children, feeling seen is what helps their body begin to calm down. For you, naming the moment slows everything down and reduces the pressure to “fix” it right away. 

2. Stay in the moment

When emotions are high, children cannot really think ahead or process long explanations. That is why it helps to bring the focus back to the present moment. 

You can say: 

• “Right now, I’m here with you.” 
• “Right now, we’re getting through this together.” 

This reassures your child that they are not alone and reminds you that you do not have to solve everything at once. Staying present helps both of you feel more grounded when things feel overwhelming. 

3. Use the same consistent phrase

Choose one simple phrase you repeat during difficult moments — this strategy is golden. 

For example: 

• “You are safe with me.” 

• “I’m here.” 

• “We will get through this together.”  

Children feel comfort in repetition. Hearing the same words again and again helps them feel secure, even when emotions are big. Having one consistent phrase also supports you, Mom. 
When you know what to say, it reduces panic, frustration, and self-doubt in the moment. 

These practices may seem small, but they are powerful. Over time, they help create a calmer emotional environment where your child learns that feelings are safe, and where you learn that you do not have to be perfect to be present. 

These small shifts really can change the tone of your entire day. 

The reality is that there will still be hard moments. That is part of parenting. But each moment is also an opportunity not to be perfect, but to be present. 

When you meet your child with understanding, you create space for both of you to grow. And over time, those moments of awareness add up to something deeply meaningful: a relationship built on safety, trust, and care. 

References 

• Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2023). Serve and Return Interaction Shapes Brain Architecture. 

• Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What happened to you? Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Flatiron Books. 

• Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. Ballantine Books.